Baby it’s cold outside : How to Be Single during the Holidays

“Single. There’s a certain dignity to it”, goes a line from an old 90’s cult movie favorite, but this quote is especially challenged during the holidays, when the weather starts to drop, love is in the air again and you start to notice that snuggling in your comforter watching silly rom-com movies just doesn’t seem to be enough to compensate for the general lack of body warmth around you.

And if you’re Filipino, it’s the time of year when there’s no escaping the myriad of Christmas parties and family reunions that will lead you face to face to that 98% chance of being asked the dreaded holiday quiz - where is your significant other? Or when are you getting married?

It can come out loud from your old pesky uncle who has had way too many San Miguels, your very concerned Tita, or your recently married friend, or it can be a discreet look of pity from those who are already too embarrassed to ask you for the nth time (like your Mom) but make no mistake about it, will come.

The truth is whether it bothers you or not, whether you care enough to admit it, being on your own during coupledom’s peak season is not an easy task, but there is definitely a silver lining to it all and that is hindi ka nag-iisa gurl (or boy) !

There are plenty of certified SMP (Samahan ng mga Malalamig ang Pasko) members out there. We talked to some of our fabulous filipino singles on how they  cope with being on their own during the holidays.

Affected much?

Danabelle Gutierez,  a writer based in Dubai who recently published her collection of  love poems “I Long to Be the River” says that sometimes she feels she’s the last single person on earth, but other times it doesn’t matter.

I have been single for 11 Christmases. This Christmas would be the twelfth. Honestly there have been more Decembers where I don't even think about it. I mean, sure, it would be nice to drink hot chocolate, cuddle up next to someone by the fireplace in a log cabin, while it snows outside, but I live in Dubai so there’s a slim chance to that fantasy.

My best survival tip is to live your life, surround yourself with the best people, eat all the best food, and make good art. If you're a writer, write. If you're a painter, paint. Whatever medium it is that you use, just make good stuff, and keep doing it.”, adds Danabelle.

A self-confessed romantic,  Dubai-based marketing exec Kate Narvaez opens up on her holiday blues. “It bothers me sometimes spending weekend alone or going out to club / restaurants with friends and not have someone hold your had or dance with you, or just generally be cheesy with.  I’m used to being single, holidays or not, but I have to admit it would really be good to meet someone special, someone for keeps.”

Betsy Vergara, a Finance consultant based in New York shares that there are two sides to the coin, the best and worst part.

“One of the perks of being single during the holidays is the element of openness to spontaneity. If you are a willing subject, you never know what's in store for you during random invites to parties with other single friends. There's also that freedom of doing the things that YOU would feel like doing, no need to please others. You can have one year that crazy/busy/crawl back to your apartment tired and hung over, and the next year,  you can be a total hermit. You can do what your heart pleases.

The worst part is the constant reminder that you are not in a relationship. The Christmas events that are solely targeted for couples. Seeing coupledom PEAK everywhere esp. during the holidays, in the parks, restaurants, movies, media. I mean EVERYWHERE! 

Honestly we all have the tendency to crave affection from a beloved, but there’s no need to feel alone, as for me, I live in New York, where as they say “anything can happen”, so you never know, I’d rather enjoy and be optimistic, Betsy adds.

 Yvette Camba, a self-confessed scrooge who works for Emirates airline also shares the sentiment.   “I like the freedom and it doesn’t really bother me, but being surrounded by couples doing all sorts of PDA sometimes gets to you, I suppose they're entitled to that. For the most part its just irritating when you get asked all the time about “why are you single?”  like it’s not allowed, or it’s such a crime to be on your own. Otherwise I love December, the nice weather, the jolly vibe, minus the traffic and freakish consumerism, I enjoy the joie the vivre feeling it brings. ”

Fight for your right to party…

Jake Ofrasio, video editor and part-time model who has been single since he moved to the UAE says that he’s immune to all the holiday coupledom stress.

“I enjoy it (being single) to a certain degree, since you can do what you want and you don't have to consider anyone in making decisions. The best part would be the feeling of being free. I am not that bothered since I am not big on holidays to begin with. I try to be more outgoing, meet people or I take up a new hobby so I will be busy.”

Mackie Andres, a sound engineer based in Manila also tries to take it easy and gets by his single status through tounge-in-cheek jokes.

“How long have I been single ? As the Air Supply song goes: "All My Life...” i don't really enjoy it, but hey the best part is no drama, or course, there’s also no love! Haha. Anyway, look at all the food this Christmas!

If I could ask Santa for one thing this Christmas it would be for this girl I like who is now online on Facebook to stop ignoring me.  As much as I want to start a chat with her, I’m stopping myself because I know I will just be “seenzoned” , he says with a laugh.

Support groups and Shopping Priorities …

Chai Boiles, 38 who broke up last Christmas with a long-term partner opens up about celebrating this Christmas alone.

Do I enjoy it? Yes and no . Yes, kase may mga friends and sisters naman ako dito sa Dubai, so I have a good support group. The best part is that I don’t have to worry about buying a Christmas present for the boyfriend, tipid diba?  Of course, you also miss the tight hugs, nothing is better than having someone to hug during the cold months and if I can ask Santa for anything, I want a Husband!

Ella Sison a chef based in New Zealand shares the same sentiment on the relief of not having to think about presents.

“Sometimes kasi you feel that your “obligado” to give them nice expensive gifts during Christmas, at least now that I’m single I won’t need to think about it. The best part is being free from commitments but I have to admit there are nights of PMS or when you feel horny and you just allow yourself to wallow in the loneliness.”

The best survival tip is to keep yourself busy, be happy and love yourself even more. If you’re horny there’s plenty of dating apps you can check out. Of course its nice to have someone special, but at the moment I’d rather focus on my career more than anything else. “

Escaping the blues

If being Single means not being commited to anyone, happy traveler and now Boracay-based, Christine Consas shares her fair share of being alone. 

I have been single for 6 years and 10 Christmases, not counting my non-committal 2-year relationship.  I travelled with him first see how it goes and then I finally decided to go on my own, go home and pick up the pieces.

“It’s great to be home for the holidays, I’ve been away for so long that it feels good to be surrounded by happy people and people who love you, you realize there’s really no reason to despair, everything will fall into place at the right time.

Make up artist and Emirates staff Erl Daguplo who has been single for 5 years says that it takes a brave woman to suck it all in.

“I’m enjoying the independence, but “inggit” strikes when you see all these sweet couples. For me, I normally cope with the holiday blues by using my travel perks to backpack to a far away land and just get away from it all.”

While travelling may allow you to escape the hassle of dealing with the holiday blues, cabin crew Joanna Ardiente, who gets to fly all over the world for her job thinks its also what’s keeping her from not finding a stable relationship.

“For the most part i'm not that bothered to be single during holidays. This job has saved from heartaches and
going crazy but I must admit I do get a bit jealous, like when you gather up with friends, and you’re the only single person in the group there’s that moment when you start comparing yourself to them and thinking about how lucky they are while you sit there and wonder why you can’t I have the same thing?  Of course, you also start to realize that it’s better to stay single and wait for the right guy rather than just find someone less ideal to cozy up with, just because it’s the holidays.”

Wishing, waiting and choosing to be happy

Mykhel Reyes, IT professional based in Dubai is the single guy who doesn’t mind the wait.

I believe that in everything you do, you have to be intentional. During this holiday season, you can choose to be happily single, and you can also chose to love. For me, I found my perfect girl it’s been three years since I’ve known her. I’m holding out for her because I love her and when you love someone you don’t just stop. 

For the girls who are also in the waiting line, Mykhel has this to say –

“Remember you are WOW - Woman of Worth  - worth pursuing, worth caring for, worth the wait.” 

In the end, being single during the holidays is not so much about being alone as to opposed to feeling alone. Being alone may or may not be your choice but the truth is you really have no reason to feel alone.   

So chin up, put on that warm smile, face the Christmas music and get ready to give and receive a dozen holiday hugs from the people who thinks you are a wonderful adorable person, albeit still single.  

Survival Tips on Being Single during the Holidays :

1.     Bring a jacket.  Too cold outside? Going to simbang gabi? Be prepared. Sure it’s hard to hug yourself, but having a nice warm coat or cool hoodie helps to fight the cold and while you’re at it put on a lovely scarf too. The best way to stay single during  the holidays is to keep on being your fabulous self-sufficient best. 

2.     Say YES!  Dinner invitiations? Christmas parties? December weddings? Karaoke get-togethers? Highschool Reunions? Go ahead, say yes and fill up your calendar with all these fun activities with friends and loved ones.  As they say, if you can’t beat them join them and have loads of fun doing it!

3.     Give love, get love. The holidays is the time for giving, and paying it forward. If you have so much love to give, let it not be put to waste. Share your blessings with others,  pick out thoughtful gifts for friends and family,  volunteer for a cause, adopt a pet, there are plenty of people (and animals) in the world who would appreciate your TLC. Give wholeheartedly, without expectations, and you will find that truly giving is receiving.

4.     Indulge !  Treat yourself  to that nice big present, a watch, a perfume, a dress, a dayspa, a holiday, you’ve been working hard all year its time to

pamper yourself. No need to wait for a guy, or a girflfriend, or even Santa Claus. Go out there and get it for yourself, because , you know what honey, you can!

5.     Just Smile. Yes bring on the Julia Roberts 10,000 mega-watt smile whenever people ask you about your lack of significant other. Show them that you choose to be happy about it rather than sulk or complain. A smile is enough, a smile is your way of saying, “thank your for that very interesting question, and no I don’t really need to explain myself.” Just smile and let them feel awkward.

6.     Travel. If you have enough means to “get away from it all” and you’re not bothered by missing the noche Buena at home, go out there and see a bit more of the world. Of course, it can get lonely on the road, but if you’re the adventurous type, there’s nothing like travelling to open up yourself to a world of possibilities.

7.     Stay in and suck it. If you’re not the outdoor type, you are also allowed to stay in and wallow.  That’s the beauty of being single, you’re not obliged to do whatever you don’t feel like doing. Cook a great meal, cozy up to a good book or a watch a series of feel-good holiday movies. Bridget Jones, Serendipity, Amelie, Breakfast at Tifannys, there is a long list of great movies to keep you entertained, laugh, cry get crazy, your kingdom, your rules!

8.     Keep the Faith. Remember that Christmas is about peace, about hope and ultimately about love, the kind that perseveres, the kind that endures. Find peace in yourself and make peace with others.  Believe in the magic, for those who don’t believe in the magic will never find it.  Stay positive and awesome!

Define Love

 So its that day again in February, and normally, I would let this day go by like any other day, except that this time I’m around I feel the urge to finally discuss it.

LOVE.

Photo taken at Mt. Tapyas, Coron, Palawan, Philippines (while climbing 724 steps to the Summit) 

I have spent most of my younger days pining for it, and most of my adult life trying to understand it that being single and in my 30s, things do seem a lot clearer now, and I am finally getting a good grasp of this thing, of what this so-called madness is all about.

After millions of pop songs, chapters and volumes of books, short stories, poems, movies, TV series, and countless hours spent with friends whining, crying, ranting, gushing over, getting over guy after guy after guy, (or girl after girl –in the case of my male and lesbian friends).  I think I am finally getting the drift.

And its not about chocolates, chuahua dogs, Shakespeare sonnets, or silly love songs. I don’t believe that Cupid or his arrow has much to do with it.  

Its not about movie dates, or liking the same bands, or obsessing over the same hobbies.

Its not about wedding gowns, or romantic getaways, hell, its not even about marriage proposals or destiny, although a lot of people will probably contradict me for this.

Its not about French kisses or Sex, good or bad, long, short, hot, warm or lukewarm, although these could actually be grounds for divorce, and I do know how sex is a significant part of a relationship, but its just not LOVE.

I’ve seen Love. I’ve touched and felt it, I still believe in it, and What I know is this  -

That LOVE is a CHOICE. A choice you make everyday, a choice that keeps defining your relationship with another person who is important to you. And by important, I mean the one you’ve chosen to give that VIP badge or that backstage pass to your life to. The person you can be yourself with, no matter how difficult you or he/she can become. The one you would not think twice about growing old with.

After a certain age, you realize that its not just a matter of being there for someone anymore, but being there WHEN IT MATTERS. Being there when it is difficult. Being there despite of or inspite of. And being there, even when you can’t actually “be there”.

After a certain age, you realize that LOVE is not stupid or blind, that it is in fact the smartest thing, the missing piece, the answer to the big riddle.

It opens up a world of possibilities and wakes you up to the reality of how it made a great deal of sense to be with this person, or how sometimes it was really the only thing that made any kind of sense at all.

It is not complicated or mysterious, because if it is, then it isn’t Love just yet. Love is simple. Love is clear-cut. It tells you where you should be and where you want to be in the next 10, 20, 30 years or even the next 3minutes. 

 Love is dedication, Love is commitment, Love is responsibility.

It is often times setting aside your own personal needs to give someone the best of you and the best that you can offer, because you want them to become better people. This is exactly why my parents, despite their limited capacities chose to send us to good (expensive) schools.  This is exactly why Jesus chose to die a gory death. He loved us enough to want us to become better people. Simple as that.

Like when you say you love your job or whatever it is you do, whether you are salesman, an artist, a writer, a basketball player, you are committed to it, you will not let a slip up if you can help it, you will not stop until you get it right,  until you’ve done everything you could. Love doesn’t give up easily. Love works harder at it and finds a way to make it work.

Love is trust. Love is respect. Love is friendship.

Hachiko, the Akita dog who has a statue in Shibuya, Japan. He is  remembered for his remarkable loyalty to his owner, even many years after his owner's death.    

Think about your best buddy, your good trusted friend, the one you respect highly above all, would you cheat on her/him? Would you hit her/him?  Would you stop listening to them? Would you stop caring?

If you are a normal honest person who has genuine relationships you would try your best to never do anything to break a good friend’s trust, and you will always aspire to get their respect - that, my friend, is Love. 

Also, its important to remember, that Love is FREE and it is given in abundance. So never buy, ask, beg, borrow, or steal it. Hatred has its ifs and buts, Lust has its conditions. Love just gives. Give and receive it freely without pride, without hesitation, without money involved.

Love spotted on display at Opera Gallery, Dubai International Financial Center, on the eve of Valentines 2012

 Love is hope. Love is faith. Love is kindness.

It is having something or someone to hold on to when the road gets dark and slippery. It is believing that someone waits with open arms at the end of the road, the train station, the airport at 3am, or at the dinner table at home. It’s the sound of a tired sleepy voice still saying “hello”and asking- how was your day?” after you’ve kept them waiting on a long busy day.  It is the embrace of forgiveness. It is the Lighthouse. 

The giant Cross awaits and welcomes everyone at the summit of Mt. Tapyas, after 724 steps. Lighted up at night, it also serves as a ''lighthouse" so sailing ships (often  with tourists) can find their way back home. 

Life is tough, Relationships are hard but Love, when its real, it comes easy and It SAVES. 

So if you ever  find yourself struggling, choking, drowning in it with no one to save you, then maybe its time to reconsider your options. It doesn’t matter how brief or how long the affair is, it doesn’t matter how much you’ve got invested in, if it isn’t Saving you, or at least making an effort to, then maybe its not worth Saving, and maybe its time to move on and Love yourself a little a bit more. Remember that the choice is always yours to make.

Sure, there are instances that will make you think twice or thrice or a hundred times about loving someone, there will be unforeseen circumstances, force majure,  maybe the timing isn’t right, maybe you are caught unprepared, maybe there’s no easy way out of a situation, maybe he doesn’t have enough money, maybe his mom doesn’t like you, maybe she doesn't live in your city, maybe she smokes too much,  the maybes are endless...but going back to my first point, it is a CHOICE, and one that you''re gonna have to stand by and keep making. 

So this Valentines day, 

I wish you Love,

 which is to say -

I wish you the Courage to make your choices,

The Wisdom to make the –right-choices

the Strength to stick by your choices,

and above all, that you would find genuine, lasting HAPPINESS 

in all the choices you've made and continue to make.

I wish you Love.

Happy Valentines day!

Words and photos by Kristine Abante
(except for Hachiko Statue and Lloyd Dobbler from the movie Say Anything)
Illustrations from The Little Prince

Written in Dubai, UAE on the 10th February 2012